A Note I posted to Facebook this evening:
My head feels like it's going to explode because of the amount of information, opportunities, and blessings I have been given over my short and small life. All sorts of beautiful things have manifested within my heart and mind because of all of these things, and because of those I know very well, where I've been, and what I have witnessed. It fills my heart and my soul with such glorious light that I'm convinced it's all a brand new feeling. If it weren't for all the cracks and imperfections I've received from hard times, I would not know or feel now that I am filled with some sort of light. In my mind I'm allowing this great amount of emotion to just explode out onto a canvas, filling it with the colors and designs I can never create with my own hands; it's only the imagination of God. I only wish to be able to do or to build something as beautiful as the thoughts and dreams God brings to me; I wish I could convey them as a feeling to everyone.
My life has changed dramatically within the past few months. As a graduate, I'm not technically tied down to anything... unless I choose to be. Which is where I find myself now at a crossroads. What do I do now? Who am I supposed to be? I always felt like getting through college would give me the majority of answers on how to live your life. But I'm seeing lately how untrue that is; a degree didn't tell me where to live, or what kind of person to be to other people. It didn't tell me what I should wear or who I should make my friends. It didn't tell me how often to call my parents or if I'm meant to do something completely different. I will say though, that because of people I knew while at school, and the moral lessons taught and conveyed there, I am who I am now. I look back 5 years into my life, and that girl had no idea the sort of things coming for her. Can I convince my current self that my future self will be ok, and in the safe hands of God no matter where she is?
After a good friend conveyed to me that she felt all we were ever called to do was to evangelize, it occured to me that evangelize could have multiple meanings; a different meaning for every person possibly. Evangelists are by definition, someone who spreads the gospel; delivers a message. The gospel in itself is so many things: it is God's example to us of how we are to love Him and to love others. It helps create a sort of link between us and God, so that we can see (because as humans we learn by example) that God way is the right way, because He loves us so much. God went through extremes to show us His love, and proved that it is possible for love to beat out every other burden or tormentor we each have weighing on our souls. So, if that is the gospel, then we simply have to share that with anyone we encounter.
Since I was a young girl I believed being an evangelist meant standing in front of hundreds of people with my Bible and heart open, speaking the things God has said in His word, and encouraging large amounts of people I didn't know to come to God. As a shy and sheltered child, this would upset me because I didn't believe I could ever do that! It rattled my anxiety and made me afraid to be commanded with such a heavy responsibility. I'd be in tears because after having thoughts of "I can't do that" I felt that I would be letting God down my entire life. Even to this day this hammered-in belief that that was what evangelists were is still engrained in my mind, and I have not grown to believe that I could ever be capable of such an important leadership. But, my mother would hug me closely to comfort me and would say "Well that doesn't mean you have to stand on the street corner with a sign saying 'Come to God'!" She could see what was on my heart, and knew that I only wanted to do something for God. What I didn't realize at that age is that I wasn't necessarily meant to be the one standing behind the pulpit in front of large crowds. I look at what I have become in my life so far, and I don't think that I was meant for that position. This is where I come to think that being "evangelical" is something different (but in the same context) for every person.
So then in light of this, what is it that God is making me into? Am I supposed to be here in this location? Am I supposed to start a family? Or am I meant to simply work humbly and serve those around me for a time? This reminds me of a book I read: A Lineage of Grace by Francine Rivers. It went through 5 stories about women who were in the lineage of Christ, the last one being Mary, mother of Jesus. From Mary's point of view, she knows from the moment she becomes pregnant that Jesus is the Son of God, and has so much trouble his entire life to try to not convince him to begin his teachings and ministry already. She constantly asks him if he knows who he is, and if he knows what he is meant to do. No matter what her persuasive case is, he always says "It is not my time." Even though he did know when his time was, he was patient and maybe struggled with that because he was human. I feel like Mary, wanting to make her son's purpose in life begin immediately. It is hard for me to not constantly question what I'm supposed to do months from now, years from now, or to not make things happen before God has planned for them to.
For now, I know that I am blessed and that I'm in a good and secure place. But what if it's something insecure that will truly bring me to trust God and let him have everything? There are decisions I could make that would really turn life upside down and freak me out, but am I brave enough to take those risks? Can I convince myself of the smallness of my world as it is right now; there is more to see and to know around the entire world. I wish I could believe that I was capable of taking such large steps into the unknown. Is there a way I could think in the way of "Him who is able to do immeasureably more than all we ask or imagine"?
